IF by Liz Espinoza on Saturday, December 11, 2010 at 10:34am

only for a moment I could let go of all the emotions spinning me around. When we arrived at Matthew's Christmas party we found him outside refusing to get out of the van. There were enough people trying to get him out but they weren't having any luck. Of course we were late. This didn't help. But we came lugging mashed potatoes, salsa, and a roast. I waited anxiously for Rocky to get home from work so that we could get this stuff out of the oven and into the car. Mashed potatoes for eighty. They needed to be transferred to other pots for transportation. All I could hear was the clock ticking and Mary's voice in my head about how they start promptly at 6:00. We're not going to make it I thought. Well instead of picking up Maritza and Daniel on the way, I decided to go get them first. Thinking,Rocky will have all the food  ready to go by the time I got back. Maritza had band practice for today's All District Marching Band Festival that also has the exact call time as our Pershing Square performance. Two places at one time.(Wait getting ahead of myself That's Saturday. This is Friday eve.) Hmmmm how to make this work......So I grab Maritza, we pick up her friend Daniel and head back to the house. Where are we going to put all this food? There is no room in the van because of all the hula equipment. What can we move around easily to make room? So I put Daniel to work helping me lug  stuff in and food out. Tada we did it. Maritza changed we loaded into the car by 5:50 for what should be a 25 min. drive. We take the streets because the freeway is slow. Baldwin to foothill to Myrtle which becomes Peck Rd. But all things being usual in my life, Foothill was backed up too. Ugh.... I think. We'll never make it at this rate. Well we arrive at 6:33. We lug all the food in and, there's no Matthew. The American Legion Hall (sight of this shindig) is full. Everyone is eating!!! But we have all this food I think. Ugh! Where's my son? Well after questioning a few people we discover he's outside in the van. Ahhh, typical I think, refusing to get out, doesn't like these big party's. I drag Maritza And Daniel out to the van with me. There are about five burly guys outside the van trying to gently coax Matthew out. He has placed himself in the last seat, at the back of the van, as far away from anyone's grasp as he can possibly get. "Hi" I greet all the young men huddled around the door they smile, sorta laugh. "How are you?" I say. "Good" they reply. "I see he won't come out" They smile, "Nope." I stick my head in. "Hi Matt." "Huh? What are you doing here?"  " Well" I say, we came for your party. Maritza is here and we brought Daniel to see you too". "Huh" This gets his interest. I back off and Maritza and Daniel move in. She and Daniel greet Matt and he is interested, but still he refuses to leave the comfort of his van. "Well" I say we came to eat with you. Don't you want to eat?" "Yeah" He says. "Well come on." "NO!"  "Well Dad is here too and he and Maritza, Daniel and I came to eat with you" "Really?"  "Come on" I implore . "I don't want to"  "Well okay" I say and I send Maritza and Daniel away hoping this will motivate him. He wants them but he wants them at the van. This does the trick. He wants them enough to get out of the van. When he finally comes out of the shadows of the back of the van into the light we see the he is neatly groomed, in a new a sweater vest, a new shirt, new pants and new shoes. He looks very nice. This shocks both me and Maritza because we haven't seen him dressed this way for so long. Here come the tears. I can't hold them back. Somewhere along the  way I stopped getting dressed up, I stopped buying dress clothes for Matt. Too tired. I stopped shopping for things other than the basic T's and shorts and jeans because getting in and out of the department stores, or any stores with Matthew could be a daunting task. He could plant himself in the middle of the busiest aisle of any store and refuse to move for an hour. (I'm not doing this anymore I thought). So it became a in and out sort of shopping rush. Leave him with Maritza for an hour, run to Target grab practical clothing as quickly as I could and get back home as fast as possible, before he had time to give his sister any trouble or destroy the house by dumping everything he owned in the living room. Mostly it worked. So here I am going with the momentum. keep him moving toward the building, tears welling up in my eyes, which I have lost all control over. Greeting complete strangers with the floodgates wide open! UGH!!! But he is in the door and we get him food. Success. He eats. We eat. And then suddenly he and his father are headed toward the door. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I scream inside my head. "Don't let him go out!!! We won't get him back in......................................To late. So we hung out on the steps for the remainder of the evening. We got him to laugh, we got a family picture plus one, and he happily  road in the van with us back to his home. He showed off his room to his sister and Daniel. We left them alone for a while. We heard happy sounds coming from his room and all was well with the world. I went to bed with a headache and woke up with tears. If only for a moment I could let go of all the emotions spinning around me.