The cynic chronicles 2 Happiness

I never picked up the paper that said happiness. I left it there lying in the street. The next day a friend came over to help me with my computer. I told him of the paper. I told him it must still be lying there though I had not noticed it after my first encounter. He had not noticed it when he came up so I decided to go out to find happiness but, I could not find it anywhere. No matter how hard I tried it just could not be found. As I looked around I did find other papers with words. The words are as follows: Transformation, Honesty, Openness, Enthusiasm, and Obedience. I gave up my search for Happiness, went back inside my house and contemplated the other words I found. "Nothing", I told my friend. "Happiness just can't be found". We left it at that. A couple days later I told another friend about happiness. She asked what I was intending to do. Would I continue to seek out happiness? I could make this a project of sorts. Hmmm. Possibly. After I realized I probably would not find happiness again I decided to move on to other things. Then one evening, at three in the morning, I got up to use the restroom. I took a book with me. A book about fearlessness. A book written with Girls and Women in mind. A book of short stories from around the world. And so I flipped the book open and there it was . . . Happiness. I found happiness again. At least for the moment. It had disguised itself as a Phoenix in a short story which takes place in China. The story "The Phoenix and Her City," tells that she is the bird of Happiness. "Wherever the Phoenix is, there is happiness" Maybe this was the transformation.

Maritza Song 2

What she knows
is beyond my scope
what she sees
is far beyond me
how she copes
nobody knows
but in her I see a dream

How she loves
is beyond compare
How she cares
is as deep as the sea
what she wants
I'm not sure she knows
but in her I see a dream

She's everything I 've never been
She's everything I see
in every heart and soul I search
and hers is pure and sweet

I can not tell you what she feels
but how she came to be
I wanted her more than she knows
she's everything to me

She has the grace and strength for balance
her voice she uses well
she knows the time and place to use it
and rings it like a bell

bright and sunny day

Matthew, The storm has passed.
All is as it should be.
So rest your head and go to sleep and I will do the same.
Sometime in another life there will be no more rain.
Sweet dreams My Matthew boy.
May peace find you on it's way,
and you will wake tomorrow to a bright and sunny day.
As the night grows sleepy and your sister rests her head
may she feel the blessings of her life snugly tucked inside her bed.
And I will try to find the love and put it in a place
that both of you can find it wrapped up in fancy lace.
Too big for hugs and kisses now
at arms length I will stay
and hope for little pieces of your growing up each day.
And do I worry 'bout you in ways you'll never know,
The hardest thing I'll ever do is learn to let you go.
So keep your dreams around you to guide you through each day
and may you wake each morning to a bright and sunny day.

ANOTHER DEEP BREATH.

Yes it's me again. The one who remembers the line "All the worlds a stage". Oh I didn't mean to take it literally. It just happened that way. One day I was walking along , minding my own business and the next day I was Matthews mom! You can't imagine the fear coursing through my brain . I new nothing of this. But boy I do now. it's a whole new world and i am changed forever. All those things my mother tried to teach me about life, and love, and understanding. Patience, compassion, tolerance, Bam! Gone in an instant. gone when you find yourself in the middle of the neighborhood market sitting on top of your 12 year old child and he beneath you kicking and screaming, kicking up hell for all the world to see! Oh the jeers and the stares and the call Children's Services looks. And in the middle of it all, I'm thinking "Great" and "I'm going to be arrested on top of it all. My children will be taken away from me. I The incompetent mother"………As it turned out it didn't go down that way. the security guard came over took a look at us and asked if everything was okay. I looked up at him from my perch on top of Matthew and said "Yeah. He's just having a tantrum. We'll be okay soon". He said "Okay", and walked away. Had he any idea of the relief I felt ? Had he any understanding of the difficulties I have faced in the public arena trying to cope with this child's unusual and trying behaviors? The unsolicited advice from those in the " know", ( of which there are many), His calm behavior was a welcomed response considering all the things that could have happened. I have images of the bank nightmare where the manager called the sheriffs on me (a story for another time). I sought him out a few days later to thank him. He told me that in another store that he worked at they used to bring in groups with special needs. He had seen them act out so he was not surprised. Nothing unusual here..................thank goodness..........................................

CONFESSIONS OF A MOTHER, OR ( MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?)

2007 HE LEFT AGAIN WIHOUT A SOUND. I LAY DREAMING AND HE WALKS THROUGH THE STREETS OF ALTADENA. IS THIS A REFLECTION ON ME? AM I A BAD MOTHER? DON'T GET ME WRONG , I CAN BE A BAD MOTHER IF YOU CROSS ME! SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, I HAVE SPENT MANY. IT HAD GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE I DID NOT HAVE REGULAR SLEEP PATTERNS ANYMORE . THE FIRST TIME I GOT FIVE HOURS IN A ROW I WAS AMAZED. I HAD FORGOTTEN WHAT THAT FELT LIKE. WHEN HE WAS YOUNG I WAS ALWAYS LISTENING . NEVER SLEEPING. SINCE THE DAY OF HIS BIRTH, THERE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SOMETHING HE NEEDED FROM ME. THEN WHEN HIS ILLNESS CAME IT GOT WORSE. ENDLESS SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, BEEPING HOSPITAL MACHINES. WASHING HIM DOWN IN THE WEE HOURS, WASHING DOWN HIS BED SHEETS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAWN ON THE COLDEST NIGHTS OF THE YEAR. OH, TO SLEEP AGAIN AND DREAM. FIVE YEARS AGO WE FOUGHT TO KEEP HIM ALIVE ONLY NOW TO HAVE HIM ESCAPE THE SAFETY OF HIS HOME. AHH, THE SAFETY OF HIS HOME... APPARENTLY NOT SO SAFE AFTER ALL. HE DID, HOWEVER, REMEMBER TO TAKE THE IMPORTANT THINGS WITH WITH HIM. WE FOUND HIS BLACK AND RED PIRATE MICKEY MOUSE EARS AROUND THE CORNER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. THE ONES WITH THE GOLD RING IN THE EAR. HE WORE HIS FAVORITE BRIGHT SCREAMING RED SUPERMAN CAPE WHICH I HAD RECENTLY PURCHASED AS A GIFT FOR HIM ON A DAY HE WAS LEFT BEHIND WHILE HIS SISTER ENJOYED A LOCAL THEME PARK. THAT SILLY CAPE MAY JUST HAVE SAVED HIS LIFE. IT WAS THAT , THAT PINTO SAW AS HE AND HIS DOG JOEY WERE JOGGING THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD. HE MADE IT A MILE AWAY THAT DAY. AND STEPHANIE, PINTO'S WIFE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, " YOU MUST BE USED TO THIS". AND ALL I COULD DO WAS TAKE ANOTHER DEEP BREATH.

Questions

life according to Matthew
after Garp there came Matthew
Matthew will be twelve in april
there might be a series of burps
instead of the usual hello
he has been planning his birthday party
since his last birthday. He's inviting the one person we know can't come and the other one we know won't
no matter, we get a daily reminder with the question of
where are the Yugio cards where is the r-2-d2 robot
where is the i-pod, c.d. player light saber
where is the love where are the friends where are the people that really understand me and have the tireless energy to meet my every need and demand where is the mother who I have not exhausted the father with patience to spare the aunts and uncles who rally around me and the grandfather who shows he cares
where is the fairy with her magic dust and merlin with his wand where are the miracles i have heard of and the guardian angel with a song where are the healers to lay hands upon me the shamans who speak to the gods that guy in the sky with power to change things with one flail of his lightning rod?
(My ramblings maybe we'll get back and work this one someday)

I like your face

these days if someone were to ask who i am, i might say i am the mother of a child with special needs.
i am the mother of a daughter who has a brother with special needs
i am the wife of a husband of a child with special needs
if i were to ask my son matthew who has special needs who i am, he would say no mom i'm busy, and i would say hey matthew, and he would say, no mom i' m busy.
and the only thought running through my head is
i like your face m m m m
i like your face m m
i like your face i like your face
and the other day he put the dog into the washing machine

IF by Liz Espinoza on Saturday, December 11, 2010 at 10:34am

only for a moment I could let go of all the emotions spinning me around. When we arrived at Matthew's Christmas party we found him outside refusing to get out of the van. There were enough people trying to get him out but they weren't having any luck. Of course we were late. This didn't help. But we came lugging mashed potatoes, salsa, and a roast. I waited anxiously for Rocky to get home from work so that we could get this stuff out of the oven and into the car. Mashed potatoes for eighty. They needed to be transferred to other pots for transportation. All I could hear was the clock ticking and Mary's voice in my head about how they start promptly at 6:00. We're not going to make it I thought. Well instead of picking up Maritza and Daniel on the way, I decided to go get them first. Thinking,Rocky will have all the food  ready to go by the time I got back. Maritza had band practice for today's All District Marching Band Festival that also has the exact call time as our Pershing Square performance. Two places at one time.(Wait getting ahead of myself That's Saturday. This is Friday eve.) Hmmmm how to make this work......So I grab Maritza, we pick up her friend Daniel and head back to the house. Where are we going to put all this food? There is no room in the van because of all the hula equipment. What can we move around easily to make room? So I put Daniel to work helping me lug  stuff in and food out. Tada we did it. Maritza changed we loaded into the car by 5:50 for what should be a 25 min. drive. We take the streets because the freeway is slow. Baldwin to foothill to Myrtle which becomes Peck Rd. But all things being usual in my life, Foothill was backed up too. Ugh.... I think. We'll never make it at this rate. Well we arrive at 6:33. We lug all the food in and, there's no Matthew. The American Legion Hall (sight of this shindig) is full. Everyone is eating!!! But we have all this food I think. Ugh! Where's my son? Well after questioning a few people we discover he's outside in the van. Ahhh, typical I think, refusing to get out, doesn't like these big party's. I drag Maritza And Daniel out to the van with me. There are about five burly guys outside the van trying to gently coax Matthew out. He has placed himself in the last seat, at the back of the van, as far away from anyone's grasp as he can possibly get. "Hi" I greet all the young men huddled around the door they smile, sorta laugh. "How are you?" I say. "Good" they reply. "I see he won't come out" They smile, "Nope." I stick my head in. "Hi Matt." "Huh? What are you doing here?"  " Well" I say, we came for your party. Maritza is here and we brought Daniel to see you too". "Huh" This gets his interest. I back off and Maritza and Daniel move in. She and Daniel greet Matt and he is interested, but still he refuses to leave the comfort of his van. "Well" I say we came to eat with you. Don't you want to eat?" "Yeah" He says. "Well come on." "NO!"  "Well Dad is here too and he and Maritza, Daniel and I came to eat with you" "Really?"  "Come on" I implore . "I don't want to"  "Well okay" I say and I send Maritza and Daniel away hoping this will motivate him. He wants them but he wants them at the van. This does the trick. He wants them enough to get out of the van. When he finally comes out of the shadows of the back of the van into the light we see the he is neatly groomed, in a new a sweater vest, a new shirt, new pants and new shoes. He looks very nice. This shocks both me and Maritza because we haven't seen him dressed this way for so long. Here come the tears. I can't hold them back. Somewhere along the  way I stopped getting dressed up, I stopped buying dress clothes for Matt. Too tired. I stopped shopping for things other than the basic T's and shorts and jeans because getting in and out of the department stores, or any stores with Matthew could be a daunting task. He could plant himself in the middle of the busiest aisle of any store and refuse to move for an hour. (I'm not doing this anymore I thought). So it became a in and out sort of shopping rush. Leave him with Maritza for an hour, run to Target grab practical clothing as quickly as I could and get back home as fast as possible, before he had time to give his sister any trouble or destroy the house by dumping everything he owned in the living room. Mostly it worked. So here I am going with the momentum. keep him moving toward the building, tears welling up in my eyes, which I have lost all control over. Greeting complete strangers with the floodgates wide open! UGH!!! But he is in the door and we get him food. Success. He eats. We eat. And then suddenly he and his father are headed toward the door. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I scream inside my head. "Don't let him go out!!! We won't get him back in......................................To late. So we hung out on the steps for the remainder of the evening. We got him to laugh, we got a family picture plus one, and he happily  road in the van with us back to his home. He showed off his room to his sister and Daniel. We left them alone for a while. We heard happy sounds coming from his room and all was well with the world. I went to bed with a headache and woke up with tears. If only for a moment I could let go of all the emotions spinning around me.
 

The Cynic Chronicles Number 1

    
 Happiness, the little piece of paper on the ground  said...."Happiness".... So I took note, walked the few steps to my car, opened the door,  got in, sat, and wondered where that 2" by 1" paper had come from. Did it fall from the sky, did it fall from the trash truck as it was making it's rounds? It sat there two feet from my driveway mocking me, I thought. I took a deep breath and slowly let go of the heavy air. Happiness, I thought, is overrated.